Sam's Blog

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Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad or agitated. It’s rare for me to feel this way, but I hate it. My lip feels better. My body feels better. I am amazed because I only got a few hours of sleep. My appetite has been strange lately. I didn’t have dinner these past two nights. If you know me at all, you know that’s unusual. It’s been a roller coaster of a day already and I am not even done with work. I have mixed emotions – happiness, guilt, restlessness, sadness, anxiety. I can’t explain it. I can’t even comprehend it myself. Candy, too much candy today, too much sugar.

I am wearing my orange sweater and black pants, very festive indeed. I never wear my orange sweater that much anymore. I call it my “party” sweater because I use to wear it to raves all of the time. It’s so soft and amazing. I should wear it more.

A patient brought empanadas for breakfast, yum! And then Amgen sponsored lunch again (twice in one week, that’s unusual, but great) and I am going to Chili’s for free food for Homecoming. So I call it free food day. But I could hardly finish my lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. I hope that dinner will be better for me. We had a pumpkin-carving contest at work and you can see my pumpkin below. Carving is harder than it looks. It took me a good hour to do this. Maybe I am challenged, but it was hard.

A nurse brought her baby son, Jake, to the luncheon and I posted his picture on my moblog, his picture should be on the left. He’s so cute and he’s dressed up as a lion. I love how everyone (including myself) turns to mush whenever there’s a baby around.

Amidst all of the fun, it was crazy busy for me today. I wanted to scream. A few of my friends are in trouble and I can’t do anything to help. I think that I’ve done enough in some cases. I don’t want to make things worse. I hate seeing people in pain.

One of my favorite patients came in today. I’ve gotten to know her and her family these past two years. It’s her last treatment today. Her last one ever. She’s going to have hospice care once she leaves here. It can be a matter of days or a few weeks until she dies, it all depends. She looked so weak. I can’t look at her at all anymore. I’m so sad for her, but she tells me that I shouldn’t be. She’s ready to die. The hardest part is that she’s a few years older than me and she has a son. I couldn’t handle it. I cried and cried, like a baby. I couldn’t take it. I can’t work here anymore. I hate cancer. I have to stop writing…

I’m back, more composed. On a lighter note, I love my new bubble gum chapstick. A drug rep gave it to me and it’s the best. I’m going to leave and go to Homecoming. I am hoping that seeing old friends and drinking will help me feel better.

Current mood: Hopeful
Current music: “Don’t Stop Believing” – Journey
Thought of the day: Pumpkins are icky-sticky!